Why I Love Winter

I love winter.

There’s something so beautiful about the season that I find so encouraging because it’s more than just the cold. It’s those moments when you step outside and see everything covered in a fresh white coat. It’s the icicles hanging from the roof and catching the sun’s light like jewels. But there’s also something about winter that I can identify with on a deeper basis. It’s a more personal feeling like when you share the same space with someone for so long that you understand them better.

The last few years – at least to me – have felt as if I’ve been living in a perpetual state of winter. Especially this last year. It’s been hard. It’s been a very dark and cold time, the kind that’s so cold it burns and you do everything in your power to avoid it. But winter can’t be avoid. It comes every year – at least where I live.

Winter is one of those seasons you know you have to pile on coats – layer after layer – just to walk outside your door in the morning. It’s one of those seasons when the wind can turn suddenly and as you twist from one blast another comes from the opposite direction to freeze every portion of exposed skin. It’s the time of year that you leave extra time in the morning to get ready because you have to make sure you’ve got gloves, scarves, coats, extra pants, extra socks, and really thick boots on so that every inch of you is covered.

And that is exactly how I have felt these last few years. I feel like every part of me that is not covered up will burn from the cold, from the despair, from the lack of hope. Every time I step outside the door I need to put on these layers like armor – in more than a physical sense – because I know what lies ahead. Because right now, it’s a really long winter for me.

But that is also why I love the physical season of winter. Because despite the cold and harshness and the feeling that you really don’t want to leave your house to face another day, there is still beauty out there. There is still a sun that shines through the clouds and makes everything look as if you’re walking through a dream. There are ice crystals that glitter on every branch and dead leaves still clinging to trees covered in a shell of ice. They glisten and gleam and remind you of how beautiful things can be even in the middle of winter.

It certainly doesn’t mean that every day is going to be beautiful or enjoyable or warm enough to even comfortably get out your door, but it does mean that there is a chance that exists. It means that something beautiful may come from whatever it is that’s going on right now, something you may not be able to see because it’s growing beneath the surface. Beneath the piles of snow, under the feet of frozen ground, there is still something going on… and someday – whatever it is – will break through the surface and be warm, beautiful, and alive.

Winter is not a dead time – even if it feels like it. It’s a time of internal growing beneath the surface, the expansion of roots that builds a better foundation. And that is the hope that I cling to right now – the hope that winter brings. Because it’s not a forever season. This too will pass and that reminder is why I love winter.

Pervading Storms

Storms upon the horizon. That has been my life this year: a never-ending tide of tribulations with only the briefest glint of sunlight between… or sometimes not at all.

The hardest part was that I knew they were coming. I could see the breakers upon the horizon as clearly a captain feels waves beneath the hull. Yet knowing a storm lies ahead doesn’t mean you can maneuver enough to evade them. The boat only turns so fast, especially if the motor goes out.

So, you brace yourself. You tie down the masts and draw in the sails. You drag the life jackets out and fasten all the doors, windows, and hatches. Then you hold on.

Yet no matter how much you prepare, the force can still surprise you. It can wrest the breath from your lungs and toss you overboard.

The speed and strength of those waves are hard to predict and so often leave devastation in their wake. They turn the world upside-down and leave you wondering which way is where. I’ve had one of those waves overtake me and I wanted to run when it first appeared. But you can’t outrun a storm most times and this one was no exception.

I’m still reeling from it. I can’t see an end to the dark sky yet. It feels like I’m treading water and the boat is only getting farther from me. Even though there’s a rope lashing me to its rail, I’m being tossed about like a plastic bag on the wind. My whole family is being tossed about and there is no end in sight.

Times like this are hard to deal with because they make everything else in life much more challenging. Even the normal day to day things intensify. It becomes harder to focus, takes longer to get things done, and the exhaustion is so much greater. The energy to enjoy something disappears along with the desire to even try for it. Days become routine except for the constant reminder of thunder that booms overhead and the lightening that flashes across the sky.

I don’t know when this storm will end. But because I knew it was coming it seems like I’ve been living in it longer than I have. Time is odd like that. And now I’m in the water and all I can feel is the pain of cold.

But there’s still a rope.

That’s what I have to keep telling myself – that there’s a rope and life preserver I’m clinging too. There’s someone at the other end that is holding on and preventing me from slipping away. I can’t see who it is because of the swirling rain, but I know that God is near. I know He’s in the midst of the storm and that Jesus is at my side. He dived into the water after me and is holding onto my hand even as my grip slips free.

That’s why I have to keep reminding myself there’s still a rope. Because if I don’t, I’ll lose sight of the rope itself and only see and feel the waves and wind. Until the storm has past I need to repeat over and over again that daylight will return.

But weathering such storms are not just about “hanging on” because there really are those that brave the storm with us. God is always there, I believe that, but at times it is only through the interaction of another human being that His presence can really be seen and heard. They are the buoys – my friends – the family I have turned to that are praying and holding the situation up to God. They are a true gift, and even though it often feel like it, I am not alone.

I pray that you have those buoys that keep your head up in the storm too, people that are there to reach for you even when you can’t reach for them. But more than that, I pray you have the assurance of Christ with you as you face whatever storms have swept you out to sea because we all have them. If not reach out and grab the chain of arms that can link us together to The Lifeline. Because we all need a hand to weather the storms.

Decisions, Decisions

I don’t know about any of you, but I hate making decisions. I’m the absolute worst when it comes to making decisions. Try as I might to get better at the process by seeing each one from all angles and weighing options, even asking advice of others, I still struggle with making decisions. Sometimes they are stupid ones: “Do I like the green shirt or the blue one?” But most often the ones that haunt me are the ones I know are life changing – the ones that have no way of being undone once the choice is made.

And yes, I know the saying that sometimes gets tossed around that goes “nothing is permanent” but sometimes that just isn’t true. Some thing cannot be changed this side of heaven. However, it also is true that sometimes things seem more permanent than they really are. Sometimes it’s just the knowledge that a lot will have to change in the process if a choice is made one way or the other that really makes it difficult to know what’s right.

And, yes, I believe prayer helps and is an important tool to be used in all we do. But I’ve also experienced so many times in life where it doesn’t seen to matter how much or how hard I pray about something because no answers come. The other end remains silent and there is no clear direction. It’s just a choice. And I think those are the moments I struggle with the most because I really do want to do what’s right.

So what is to be done when those are the choices that lie ahead? What is the answer when no hint is given?

Unfortunately, I don’t have that answer. I wish I did. I really do. I wish I always felt peace about every choice I’ve ever made, but the truth is I don’t. I regret a lot and more often than not, I don’t feel settled about the choices I make. Sometimes I am left wondering for weeks – or even months – if the path I’ve taken is the one I’m supposed to be on. Sometimes I never get a confirmation either way.

Of course, at that point it’s too late to go back. At that point all I can do is keep moving forward the best I can and make the most of each day and every other decision that comes along. And without being able to see into the future, I think that’s all any of us can do. If we’ve sought counsel, His direction, and His Word, and weighed all the options as best we can than all we are left with is to take a step and make a choice.

It’s a real bummer for those of us that want to make sure we are doing the “right” thing, but sometimes I don’t think God asks us for the “right” thing but “a” thing. I think He asks us to move sometimes from the knowing into the unknown, to take a step of faith and not remain in that comfortable spot of having all the answers. Because if I’m honest with myself, I don’t know it all and will never know it all, even if I wish it was otherwise.

So, we breathe and pray and hope and cross all our fingers and toes and then make a choice as best we can, because we know that God walks with us each step of the way – even if we can’t see or hear Him move.

The Aftermath

The aftermath of surgery is a hard place–no matter how minor or major it was. It’s been over fourteen weeks for me and I’m still trying to wrap my head around all that took place. To say that I regret the decision is wrong. But if you ask me whether or not I’m okay with it–that’s a different story. That answer still remains to be seen.

In one sense, I’m okay because I know it was the right decision. There is no other way to say “it had to be done” yet the loss of what could’ve been and no longer exists as a possibility is a heavy weight to bear. It’s a weight I still can’t think of without being mournful in some way, either through tears or general depression, because I know there’s no going back. There is no changing the outcome. What was done is done. Even though that finality is difficult to accept, I know it needed to happen. I know it in my heart and in my head. I knew it in the curtained-off waiting room, while signing the forms, and being wheeled back hall to the table. I knew it talking to all the doctors and nurses beforehand and when speaking to them afterward as I looked at the photos they took of the mass they removed.

And just to be clear, I did have a choice. I could’ve refused and left everything as it was, but there were a lot of side effects going on and continual blood infusions can only go so far. It really wasn’t as much of a question of if but when. So, I don’t regret the decision. I don’t wish I could go back and change it. Do I wish it never happened? Definitely. Do I wish I had more time to investigate other options? Maybe. But I think the uncertainty that surrounds me right now is not so much of a true uncertainty but a sadness. It’s not regret as much as it’s a profound sadness for all that’s changed. And sadness, I think, will be my companion for awhile. Because this was one of those unchangeable things that couldn’t be avoided no matter how much I wished and prayed for that to happen.

Now, don’t get me wrong, God can still do miracles. I firmly believe that, although I often have a hard time believing for such things to happen in my life, especially right now. It’s one of those things that seem like it’s meant for someone else to experience but not me. Which, I know isn’t true, but that’s where I am right now.

So it is to the moving forward that I must look. It is to the act of the picking up the pieces and making something out of what is–and not what could’ve been–that must draw my effort. Without that focus my world would forever remain dark and gray. It would become a place of perpetual night. And that can’t be where I stay because that leads to a black hole of selfishness and defeat. The choice to move on and find the pinprick of sunlight that lies hidden within the clouds is my goal for now. It may be awhile before I find it, but if I keep looking–instead of giving up or getting bogged down by regret–I might just find it someday. That–at least, for now–is my prayer.

Unplanned Lessons

Sometimes I find myself in a place I never expected or wanted to be in. I realize that part of my being there is based on choices I’ve made over time, but sometimes, things just happen. They just happen and there doesn’t seem to be a clear reason as to why.

Like the day I went out in a canoe to show some people around. It started out great-the sky was clear, the lake calm, but then the clouds rolled in and so did the wind. While everyone else was in a two person canoe, I was solo, which meant I had to paddle twice as much as everyone else.

At some point, you can’t keep up, or rather, I couldn’t keep up. I got stuck in the weeds-literally. I could not get myself free of the weeds and the instant I did I started drifting backwards away from my group.

They were having a great time and kept going, which was fine until the fog rolled in. And yes, I totally lost sight of the those I was supposed to be showing around. I go so tired from paddling, going in circles, and being unable to see anyone else that I broke into tears.

I started telling God out loud that he had to help me and that I wasn’t going anywhere until he did. I was putting on a little tantrum, but I was beyond caring. I could not do it. I could not beat the wind and see past the fog. And yet I was still trying to do just that.

It’s times like that I (sometimes) realize, God is trying to get my attention and teach me something, although those are the times I really don’t want to hear it. I don’t want to be told to wait, to be patient, to stop and think before acting.

The lessons of “know that even in the fog and wind he is still there” are not always welcome, but they are true. He still cares. He knows the frustrations, the attempts, and the failures. He knows and will sit with you in it, even if you don’t want to, or even want him; he will be there.

I sometimes hate lessons like that. But they are necessary reminders that no matter what we face, we are loved. We are seen. We can be known on a deeper level if we take the time to stop and breathe and wait upon more than ourselves.

And yes, the fog lifted and I did get through the weeds and wind to my group, but only in God’s grace and with his timing.

Summer of Adventure

Sometimes I find that things don’t go the way I think–strike that–they often don’t go the way I think. Take this summer for example. For the first time, in my life I switched to a job that enabled me to have the summers off. Yeah! (Not so for the checkbook, but great for potentially writing more)

Then the offers start coming in–jobs I wasn’t even looking for. So, I think, I am obviously meant to keep working. But what to do? (This is one of those times I kept praying for an answer and never seemed to get one.)

-Insert: hours of prayer, conversations, and absolute frustration…and still no answer.

So, I go for one. I take the one I think will be the most enjoyable and least familiar. Not my usual option. I usually play it safe and take the one I know I can do without any questions. I don’t know about you, but I like knowing I can do something without having to learn a lot of new tricks. But do we really grow that way?

So, for this summer I’ve taken on the camp life. I’ve moved into a cabin with roommates and have been thrown into a bunch of events i never got the chance to preview. It’s been a ride so far and it will continue to be. I think the summer will go fast and I think by the end I will love it, but there are some days I ask myself “What was I thinking!?”

The Next Adventure

Posting on a blog is an entirely new experience for me…and it’s honestly, a bit intimidating. It shouldn’t be because, as an aspiring writer, putting words on paper (or on a screen, in this case) should be as comfortable as an old chair. But sometimes that chair has springs sticking through the worn cushion and staples that have been exposed on the arms by all the loving cats in the house. To me, those little barbs are the splashes on a blog, not the bigger picture. Those details are fascinating but it’s really the way the details piece together to create something more that entices me. So, we’ll see how this goes. I’ll be figuring this out along the ways and maybe in the end there will be a larger more interesting image that arises from all the tiny details that can so easily distract from the overall goal and picture.

The Craziness of Cats

The house of cats! These are our babies…really…they get spoiled more than the humans living in the house. Lewis and Clark are our two old farts. They’re brothers, hicks from a farm family years ago, wonderfully chill about everything.

The little white snot on the side is Rory and she’s the princess. The youngest addition, she gets it all. She’s particular about her food, her toys, her beds, the people she will tolerate, and it’s all hers…all of it. No questions. She reigns and knows it.

The Bonds of Family

A deep wheeze shook the man’s frame like the gales of a hurricane. His voice trembled as he tried to speak, the volume rising then falling beneath a coughing fit.

“Save your strength, father.” Trevor leaned over the grey-haired man with a cup of water but it was waved away.

“I must speak to you… and your brother.”

Trevor returned the cup to the nightstand then glanced at the door. Conner had gone to “take care of business,” which could be code for just about anything. There was no way to know how long his older sibling would be gone.

“I’ll send for him again,” he said then called out, “John!”

The man stationed outside the bedroom was one of five bodyguards assigned to the leader of the largest religious sect in the city.

“See if you can find my brother,” Trevor told him, “and tell him to hurry.”

John cast a glance at the bed then gave a quick nod and left.

“He’ll be here soon, father.” Trevor’s eyes scanned the frail hands that clutched the bed sheets. “Can I get you anything?”

The older man coughed, his frame shaking beneath its force. Trevor cringed.

The illness had come on without warning. They still didn’t know what it was. At first, it had seemed like a cold. Then flu-like symptoms set in followed by pneumonia and seizures. Blackouts had started the day before, leaving gaps in more than his father’s memory. Whatever this was took all that was healthy and destroyed it. And the whole thing had developed in less than two weeks.

By the time his father had been confined to bed, it was clear that nothing could be done to stop its advance. It would take his life and the empire unless plans were made.

So, Conner had been initiated as the heir to inherit. He had been given the reigns to control not only their father’s holdings, but the power he held over the city’s officials and spiritual standing. Conner had already begun making decisions–one of the first being to track down the source of this illness.

It would not do their father any good–even if a cure was uncovered–but it might spare others. If what their father had contracted was from one of their rivals then there was a good chance it would surface again. Both Conner and Trevor were in agreement–the source had to be found and destroyed. Which was probably where his brother was now.

“Trevor.”

His name sounded weak on his father’s lips and he hated whoever had done this to his spiritual guide and role model. Whoever had caused this would pay. Conner and he would see to it. Despite the fact that retaliation was frowned upon in their sect, the perpetrator would be made to regret.

“Trevor?”

“Yes, father.”

“I must speak with you.”

“I know. We’re trying to find Conner.”

“Alone.”

Trevor glanced across the bed to the doctor and nurse. They watched the man’s vitals on the monitor, taking notes and adjusting the settings. Trevor nodded at the door then turned to the man outside the room.

“Be close in case I call.”

The man nodded then pulled the door shut after the medical personnel left.

Trevor looked back at the bed. “What is it you need to say?” He placed a hand on top of his father’s and gave it a squeeze.

The dark eyes that turned on him were cloudy. Trevor swallowed. He was not a crier–had never been–because their father did not approve of tears. It was a weakness, especially when so many looked to their family for guidance. That was one of the curses to being in such a place of power–image meant so much more than just an outward appearance.

“Trevor.” His father’s eyes moved to the portrait on the far wall. “In the safe is a box. I need you to get it.”

Trevor eyed the portrait of a European street then his father. Both Conner and he had been given the combinations to every safe in the household, but neither had opened any of them. That was a task they had agreed to do together–after their father had passed.

“I should wait for Conner.”

The old man shook his head. “This is something for you. If you choose to share it with your brother, that is your choice.” A rasping cough made him scrunch inward.

Trevor stood and tired to hold his father upright, but the old man waved him away. “The safe,” he said between hacks. “Get the box… from the safe.”

Trevor went to the portrait, sliding his fingers up the side until he could feel the latch release. After pulling the frame open and punching in the combination, the box clicked and the handle turned. Inside were folders, computer drives, and a smaller safe. There was also a wooden box large enough to hold a ring.

“Bring me the box,” his father said from the bed.

Trevor returned to his stool.

“Open it.”

Swallowing whatever uncertainty he felt about doing this without his brother, Trevor popped the lid. Inside was a large gold ring.

“Your birthright.”

Trevor’s eyes narrowed as he glanced at his father over the open box. The man watched him, his eyes drifting between bleariness and complete clarity. Trevor tipped the ring into his hand then rotated it so he could see its engraved face. A gasp left him. His eyes rose in question.

“Yes,” his father said with a nod. “There is much you must know.”

“Father,” Trevor whispered. He fumbled with the ring, almost afraid to hold it.

On its face was the engraving of two fish. Their backs were pressed together as they faced opposite ends. Both had a split caudal fin and each devoured half of the other’s tail. The image was quite different from the one designed for their religious sect that portrayed the head of a lion with a whole bird in its mouth.

“This is…”

“Yes,” his father confirmed, “and by right of birth it’s yours.”

Trevor returned the ring to the box and stared at the old man. The ring and emblem belonged to their rival. They were the ones in direct conflict with their family’s spiritual standing as guides and most likely were behind their father’s condition. “I don’t understand.”

“I have done great wrong,” his father said in a low voice, “but I have always done what I felt was best for my family and those I watched over.” He coughed into his clenched hands as the monitors alarmed.

Behind them the door opened.

“Get… out,” his father said as he continued to gasp.

“But, sir…”

“Out!”

Trevor waved at the monitors then stood. The doctor moved to the machine and pressed a few buttons. The beeping stopped, but as he turned to go his gaze caught Trevor’s. Time was short.

Trevor gave a quick nod, adjusting the pillows behind the old man. As the door closed, his father touched his arm.

“You are my son,” he said in a soft but sure voice. “But you are also the son of our rival.”

Trevor sat back on his stool.

“You had another brother once: Carlton. He was my first born, my heir to be. He was ambitious and full of dreams.” A coughing whistle caused his father to pause. Trevor offered more water without success.

“Carlton wanted to unite our two sects, to find common ground and a reason to stop competing. But the Dividers would not listen. Garrett, their leader, my long-term rival, issued an invitation to discuss matters. But there was nothing he wanted to discuss.” His father’s exhale was heavy. “He sent Carlton’s body back with their emblem burned into his chest.”

Trevor swallowed the lump in his throat. The clash of their sects had always been fierce, their competition for souls great… but this? A sick feeling rose in his stomach as his father continued.

“In those days I was younger, more passionate like your brother, and I too succumbed to the same rage as Garrett.” His gaze cleared as he pushed himself up on an elbow. “I knew it was wrong. It goes against everything we believe, but what Garrett had done…” His gaze fell to the the sheets. “I lead a team into Garrett’s palace on the night of a celebration and killed him at his desk. I stripped him of his signet ring then took what was most precious to him. I took you.”

Trevor felt his mouth dry and his lips part.

“I took you to raise as my own. I had hoped that would bring a stop to the Dividers’ control and influence… and it did for a time… but he had a brother and a wife that picked up where he left off. This,” he gestured at himself, “is their doing.”

With a pinched brow, Trevor watched his father sink into the bed. The older man closed his eyes, his mouth open as he drew in a ragged breath.

“I know I have done wrong. It may be too much at this point. I should’ve told you sooner, but…” He shook his head then wheezed. “I’m sorry, but I’m not the man you thought I was.” He blinked at Trevor. “I am condemned by my own actions but you can be better. You could…”

His eyes rolled beneath his lids as he began to shake.

“Father?” Trevor was on his feet. “Help! Somebody help!”

The door flew open and the two men from outside piled in with the doctor and nurse. They swarmed the bed as Trevor backed away. In his hand was the signet ring. It bore an image he had come to despise–even hate. Such emotions were not sanctioned by their sect and yet his father–the man he had believed was his father–had embraced them. That man had killed and stolen. He had taken a child and never told him where he had come from and whose blood he carried. Conner was not his brother nor the man upon the bed his father. But they were all he had ever known.

Trevor’s back hit the wall. He could barely hear the alarm of the monitor. He had been raised to believe the other sect was wrong in what they did and yet his father–this man–had been no different.

In a daze, he gazed at the ring. It felt too heavy to hold, too full of lies. He was living a lie. Yet never had he suspected that he was not a full-blooded Consumer, born into the ruling class. Never had he dared to think this was not his home.

“Trevor.”

Someone nudged his arm.

“Trevor!”

His fingers closed around the ring as he looked up into Conner’s face.

“Are you okay? What’s happened? Is he?”

“I don’t know.” Trevor’s eyes drifted to the bed. The monitor beeped a steady but weak rhythm, yet the old man’s eyes were closed, his cheeks paler than before.

Conner moved to the bed and touched the limp fingers. “Father?”

No response.

“Will he wake again?” Conner asked the doctor. “Or have I come too late?” 

The doctor gave him grim expression. “There’s no way to know.”

Conner pulled his heavy coat off and handed it to an attendant. He waved for everyone but Trevor to leave then sat on the vacated stool. The golden chain of his new office hung against his chest. “Did he say anything while I was gone?”

Trevor palmed the ring. Did Conner know? Did anyone else know? What did any of this even mean? Was he to be some sort of savior that united the two sects?

A snort shot from Trevor’s nose as a bitter edge turned down his lips. The division between the sects was too deep for something like this to change their relationship. Such knowledge would only make him a pawn to be controlled or gotten rid of. So, why had the old man told him? Why not take the knowledge to his grave?

Shame? Guilt? There were probably other reason that lead to his confession, but could be no miraculous comeback. By his own admission the old man had ignored their beliefs and killed someone. Sure it was in response to the death of his son, but he had committed a forbidden crime. Had he disclosed the information just to clear his conscious or had there been another reason?

“Trevor.”

Conner’s voice cut through the muddled mess as the door to the room closed. They were alone with their father–or who he had thought was his father. His eyes shifted to Conner. His brother was watching him, trying to gauge… something.

“What did he tell you?”

Trevor clenched his fist then crossed to where Conner sat. “What do you know about this?” He dropped the ring into his brother’s hand.

Conner rotated it between his fingers then sighed. “He told you.”

“You knew?” The accusation in his tone was pronounced. Trevor crossed his arms as he stared at the young man poised to take over their–no, his–father’s realm. “How long have you known?”

Conner handed the ring back. “He just told me, not long before I left. I went to… I wanted to see if there was a way to contact the Dividers so we could talk.”

“And?”

“They’re not interested and are expecting retaliation for this.”

“So they admitted to it?”

“No.” Conner looked at the older man. “But they didn’t deny it. We were able to grab one of their operatives on the way out, but I don’t think we’ll get anything useful from him.”

Trevor shook his head. More fighting. There would always be more fighting. “Why did he tell you? I mean, about me.”

Conner did not look up as Trevor wandered to the other side of the bed. “Since I was set to take over, he wanted me to know what issues might arise so I could be prepared.” He glanced up. “He also told me to split the inheritance with you if you choose to remain a part of this family. He wants you to get half of everything.”

“Half… of everything? But I wasn’t…”

“I think,” Conner said as held up a hand, “he wants you to know that you’re still his son and as such deserve an equal share.”

“So it’s a bribe to stay and not switch sides.”

“I don’t think that was his intent.” Conner lowered his hand. “I genuinely think he sees you as his son… just as I see you as my brother.”

Trevor sat on the bed and stared at the unconscious form. Even just looking at the man made the word father come to mind. “Then why tell me? Why not keep it a secret?” He ran his thumb over the ring’s emblem. “The only reason to tell me would be to create doubt.”

“Or to unburden himself. He’s facing the end, Trevor. It’s a regret he’s carried for years. I’m sure there’s apart of him that wants to be forgiven.”

“Well, I don’t think I’m really the one he needs to ask forgiveness from.”

“But you are one of them. Whether or not your life here or there would’ve been better, you weren’t given the choice. I’m sure that’s partly why he told you.”

Trevor shook his head. “I don’t know what to think. I don’t even know how to respond. The person I thought was my father actually killed my father. And then I was raised to believe in a system that contradicts the very one I was born into. How do I approach something like that?”

“I don’t know.”

“Well that’s not helpful.” He stared at the pulsing line on the monitor.

“Do you feel that he treated you differently?”

Trevor squeezed the ring then looked at Conner. “No.” He could say that with confidence. “I’ve never thought of you as anything other than my family. And I can’t remember ever feeling out of place. I just don’t know what to make of all his teachings when he did what he did. What would happen if anyone else found out?”

“I don’t know,” Conner said as he tapped the chain he wore. “I don’t think it would take long for things to radically change.” He sighed, clearly trying to shoulder the responsibility that grew with each minute. “I guess I just have to remember that we all make mistakes. We all have regrets. Maybe what makes the difference is how we move forward from such things.” He pressed his lips together.

“Just know,” he said after a pause, “that whatever you choose, I’ll support you. If you want to leave, you’re free to go, no hard feelings. If you feel you need to share what you know… then I won’t stop you. You’ll still be my brother either way.”

Trevor studied him from across the bed, watching as Conner’s eyes moved to the old man. Even if he wanted to make a clean break he would never be able to do so. Just as the old man had been a father to him so Conner had become his brother. That bond of family–the spending of time together and knowing each other so well you could guess what they would say–was so much stronger than whose blood matched whose.

This was what family was, and this was his family. These were his people. Despite the older man’s betrayal and hidden secrets, if he could grant his father the forgiveness that would give him peace then he would do it in a heartbeat. But that was not his battle. His battle would be to not let the past or biological connections make him into something he was not. This old man had been his father, this younger man his brother, and for that he would forever be their family.

First Seen on Reedsy Prompt Contest #278

https://blog.reedsy.com/creative-writing-prompts

A Monstrous End

“That can’t be.”

Kan stared at the man who had been his… what? Friend? Caretaker? Keeper? Jailer would be a more accurate term today, although none of those terms seemed to really fit the six foot four tower of muscle that stood before him.

O–which what how he was known–stood with his thick arms folded across his chest. His stance was rigid, his gaze piercing in a way that told Kan he was not joking–not that O ever cracked a joke. Kan was not sure the man even knew how to. But that was the thing about the Partwo–human words, traits, and mannerisms didn’t always make sense to them because they just weren’t human.

Although after knowing O for as long as he had, Kan sometimes forgot that. Well, forget was not the right word. Overlooked was probably more accurate.

In fact, as he gazed at him now, it was hard to miss that O was not human. Aside from being a bipedal and having limbs in roughly the same proportion as some very large humans he knew, O did not look like most people.

The most obvious of the differences was that the Partwo had black eyes–not just irises that were black. Their eyeballs were a solid black with a slight shine and no center of the eye could be seen, so it was hard to tell what they were actually looking at. That was what made conversations with them unnerving because you could be off to the side or right in front of one and suddenly have him or her comment about what you were doing or someone else entirely.

But their eyes were not the only thing that set them apart from humans. The also had nails that were more like stubby claws. And unlike most human inhabitants, the Partwo were not fond of summers. They preferred clouds and overcast skies. They liked the dark and the cold–not snow–just the cold. But that was probably due to the fact that their home world was a mountainous rock and they tended to live in large caverns. They didn’t even have a proper sun for their planet.

O also had the typical skin coloration as the rest of his kind–a deep purple-brown that was thick and cracked like the scales of a reptile or mud that was too dry. His hair was black and long, almost stringy in appearance, and it usually hung loose down his back. Today it was pulled into a ponytail with small gold rings on either side. He also wore a pair of golden armbands and bracelets that looked as though they would snap if he flexed his muscles too much.

On any other day, Kan wouldn’t have given the Partwo much thought, but today was his check-in day and for that reason alone he had reported to the research station as instructed. Well, that, and the fact that for the past week he had been having a lot of random pain in his arms and legs. There had also been that stabbing sensation in his chest and the chill that has started two days ago.

Kan knew that it was a result of the medication he was on wearing off, but he had never before had such a reaction. Symptoms of a depletion had always been mild, but this time…

He tired not to think about it, had tired to put any misgivings from his mind. But was hard, especially since there was the ever present nightmare of what it might mean.

A cold sweat broke across his forehead just thinking about it. Try as he might, the journey to the lab and effort to check-in had only given him more time to imagine the worst. So it was with some relief that he had made it to the examination room where O had been waiting with two human doctors and another Partwo.

Normally, Kan would just listen and then nod to whatever the Partwo and human doctors told him, get his injections, and then leave. But today was different. Today he had been shown in, his blood taken and then that was it. Everything had stopped. There was no reading of his pulse, further scans, or oral questionnaire about how he was doing. The normal routine had halted and then O had come in with the dreaded news.

“I am sorry,” O said around his thick tongue, “but you cannot receive any more injections.”

Kan blinked at him as his mind went blank. He had to get those shots. He had to. The regular infusions were the only thing keeping him from… it was the only thing keeping him human.

“There has to be a mistake.” Kan licked his dry lips. “You didn’t do any of the other tests. You have to finish that and recheck your findings. You’ve gotta be wrong about this.”

The human doctor that stepped into the room carried a clipboard and wore thick glasses. He approached the bed where Kan sat, stepping around O’s dominant and immovable form.

“There’s no mistake,” the balding man said. “The toxins in your blood have reach a critical state. We can’t administer another dose of the suppressant without sending your body into shock.” He looked over the rim of his glasses. “It could kill you. Besides, you knew that this was a possibility.”

Kan shook his head still trying to grasp what the man was saying–what they were both saying. If he didn’t receive those injections he was going to lose his humanity. He was going to become…

A sick feeling festered in his gut. “But I thought… I thought there was a chance…”

O shifted his stance though his solemn expression did not change. “There was a chance that the Partwo DNA could be suppressed for a longer period of time, but there was no guarantee. We had hoped it could be sustained until you were much older, but unfortunately it seems like the match of species is not a good one.”

A good one? Kan snorted. The fact that they had even tried the combination after already determining that there was only a small chance it would work seemed ill-advised. The fact that he was the one paying for their choice was just cruel. He hadn’t been the one to decide it was a good idea to cross Partwo DNA with human DNA to see what happened. He wasn’t the one that volunteered for this experiment.

He was just the result, the product of a desperate attempt to revitalize the human race–a dying race–that would soon vanish if a solution to their genetic deterioration could not be found. Partwo DNA was known to be strong and restorative, but it was also aggressive. They had known this, and that it had a tendency to consume other forms of DNA and convert to its own. Still they had attempted to weed out most of those traits. They had created the suppressant to help maintain human characteristics and DNA in the body. For over twenty-seven years he had been able to live a mostly normal life–with the exceptions of his regular check-ins and shots. But now…?

The feeling of floating gripped Kan as he sat on the bed. His fingers curled around the coarse sheets until he could hear the plastic mattress beneath.

He was going to change. They were going to let him change. They would probably monitor his progress, seeing exactly how he changed and how long it took for the Partwo DNA to completely rewrite his system. They would observe the whole process and think nothing about what this was doing to him.

He wanted a life on Earth. He had wanted a family. But all of that had to be put off. Friends and acquaintances had to be monitored and approved. He was not permitted to like or even love anyone else because there was always the chance things could go wrong.

A cold knot built within his gut. He wanted to cry. He wanted to scream. The nightmare of him transforming into a beast was coming true. Could he feel it even now? Was the sick feeling that made him want to vomit just emotional stress or was it the beginnings of a monstrous transition? He was going to be sick.

“Kan.”

“Don’t,” he bit between clenched teeth. His eyes shot to O’s with sudden hatred. “Don’t tell me there’s nothing more that can be done.”

O’s jaw twitched. “I am sorry.”

“Sorry,” Kan spat. “You’re both so sorry, aren’t you?” He jumped off the bed and immediately two men with tasers stepped into the room and closed the door. “So sorry that it won’t be you that’ll have to turn into a monster. So sorry that you won’t have to go through all the pain and mutilation. You have no right…”

He shoved past the doctor, but O caught by the arm.

Kan swung back with a punch, but it barely fazed the Partwo. He grabbed Kan by the wrist, taking his other and holding him at arm’s length.

Kan screamed and began to kick. “Let me go, you filthy–“

“Kan!”

“Don’t you talk to me,” he snapped at the doctor, “you who get to stay human!”

“We don’t know the extent or how far this will go,” the man said as he adjusted his glasses. “It may not consume you. You still have a good percentage of human DNA. We don’t even know how long it will take before you’ll see any physical changes.” 

But Kan could already feel the ice in his sweat begin to burn. He could see it in O’s eyes as he glared at the Partwo. Their DNA was too strong and it would act at the first opportunity it got. The lack of anything to fight against it would mean he could be converted by evening.

The thought of it made him want to wretch. They made him want to wretch. Playing with someone else’s life–ruining someone else’s future so that they could… what? Maybe they would find a solution to their problem of the human race dying off? Species lived and died. They went extinct. That was how things worked. Maybe humanity wasn’t meant to survive into perpetuity. They’d had a nice run–longer than some creatures that had previously inhabited the planet.

Kan shook within O’s grip. The doctor had left the room. The two guards had moved to the outside of the door and sealed it shut. It was just O and him and a whole flood of white coats and Partwo gazing at them from the observation windows. 

“Kan.”

Kan shook his head as he tried kick, twist, and break O’s hold on him. It made no difference, but he could not just stand there and let it happen. He was human–at least partly. And he wanted to stay human. He wanted to return home and live a life–his life. He wanted to remain on Earth and not be locked away in some lab or banished to another planet.

The muscles in his arms and legs seized. The pain of a cramp started. He pulled against O as he began to tremble. In his gut was a jumbled mess of bile and nausea.

“Please,” he said as sweat beaded on either side of face.

O’s face was impassive, their lack of expression normal, although in this moment it felt cold and dismissive. Kan’s knees give way as his muscles began to spasm. He cried in pain then dropped. O held him up, scooping an arm behind him before carrying his smaller frame to the bed.

“I am sorry, Kan.”

Kan writhed on the bed. It felt like a box of nails had been released into his arms and legs then electrified. It hurt to move. It hurt to breath. The thudding of his heart was so strong he worried it would break through his chest. Then something pinched the back of his neck and a streak of pain ran through his spine, causing him to go rigid.

“This will only change your appearance,” O said in a placid voice. “You will still be you.” He strapped arm and leg restraints around Kan’s shaking limbs.

“No,” Kan said as he tried to roll away. “I’ll never be me again.” Tears leaked from his eyes as the last band was secured about his torso. “I can’t…” His back arched as a groan reverberated through his teeth. The gums in his mouth hurt. The nails on his toes and fingers burned. He had not changed in size or appearance yet, but he could feel it coming. This was only the beginning and once it was done… what would be left of him? Would he even survive the process?

The visions of him as a mindless beast returned to haunt him. Hated and cast out, no longer welcome on Earth, the deranged figure of his dreams pulsed through the fog that was taking over his mind. He would love the dark and run from the sun. His skin would dry and crack, his muscles growing hard and firm. From now on nothing would ever be the same. He–the person he was now and had always been–would be lost… and maybe so the hope of the human race. It was selfish and cruel, but in this moment, he didn’t care

First seen on Reedsy Prompt Contest #279

https://blog.reedsy.com/creative-writing-prompts

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